Wow, journal entry. I feel cool, I suppose. I don't expect anyone to read this or comment it..but if you do, then great. I just wanted a place to..rant. Voice my restless thoughts. Thoughts that I don't want to speak out loud because no one will listen. Maybe someone will listen on here. Just maybe.

So, for the past two months, my life has been pretty much a living hell. I accidently set my room on fire (long story), my boyfriend who I think I might have loved, broke up with me, I was in juvy for almost a week, I've got court dates coming up and I'm on probation. My grades are slipping and my social life has been reduced to non-existent. But, through all of this..I've found some closure.

It took a month or so to get over my ex. I'm trying hard to bring up my grades and slowly but surely, my mother is allowing me to spend more time with my friends. The heavy duty grounding (or house arrest as I like to call it) is going away bit by bit. The whole juvy thing was quite the experience and I have a court hearing on the 25th. There's a possibility I could go back, but I don't think I will.

And now, for my biggest dilemma. A boy, of course. There's this guy, Terrance. He sits behind me in history. I think I've liked him ever since he gave me cigarettes the day after my ex and I split. He's been here for me..alot. Although he doesn't realize it and other people don't, either. He's been one of the few people who could make me smile through all of this bullshit I've been through. He helped me forget about all the bad shit. He's helped me alot. He's sweet, amazingly sweet. And extremely cute and very, very nice. He says just the right things at the right times. He tells me I'm pretty and even though I don't think I am, I believe him when he says it. He's the only person I'll believe. But he's afraid to get into anything. He's afraid of hurting me or screwing up. And I don't want him to be afraid. I just want to be with him and for him to hold me. I mean, we act so much like a couple. We cuddle, kiss, hug, and hold hands. We flirt alot. We're getting to know each other so much and I feel like letting him become a huge part of my life is the right thing to do.

But I can't help but be afraid. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to let someone get too close, only to get fucked in the end. I can't go through something like that, again. Terrance told me that in relationships, he always tries to make his girlfriend happy, he just wants to see her smile. Isn't that amazing? I just don't understand why he's so afraid of screwing up if that's all he wants. He thinks so badly of himself when he's such a great person. And I want so badly for him to see how much he means to me and how much he's changed my life. So, here we go.

I'm going to do this again. I'm going to let myself be open with another person. And I might even fall in love again. Let's see what happens this time, eh? I think karma owes me a little happiness.